6 Weeks Ago...

Six weeks ago today is when I gave birth to our 7lb 3oz redheaded little boy...

It's hard to believe how fast time is flying. Before we know it, it will be a year. In a way I'm ready for the next year to fly but in a way I'm not. I'm not ready to go through the holidays without him or get to that one year mark. But I'm truly hoping to be ready to start trying for a little brother or sister. I know I'm thinking SO far ahead but we just wanted that joy in our lives and we still want that.

Yesterday was my 6 week appointment and I was given the ok to go on with the normal things. We also discussed the option of seeing a specialist to make sure I'm able to have another little one someday. That would completely tear me apart if I'm not able to have another one. Craig and I have discussed adoption though and are completely for it if it comes to that option. I'm just waiting this week for a call from them to make the appointment. It could take 2-3 months to get in to see them so I'm glad we're starting this process now.

Tomorrow also marks 2 years since my grandmother passed. If anyone, she is the one that met Noah in heaven first... I can definitely say that! :) I just can't wait until it's my turn to join them. I'm going to take flowers to her grave site tomorrow which happens to be at the same place as Noah's. I'm hoping to have the strength and courage to visit him while I'm there. His grave marker hasn't come in yet so it's probably still a fresh grassy area. It's so hard knowing that's where his little body is and that that's where I have to go to visit him. I shouldn't have to "visit" my son... he should be here with us! I should be able to hold him whenever I want. It's also hard knowing that I can count on 1 hand how many times I've gotten to hold my son and how many times I will EVER get to hold my son... 2 short times.

I've been reading a book called "Heaven is For Real". It's really helped me see things differently. It's a relief to know that he is in heaven and that he was greeted by a very happy and excited great grandmother like I said. I've had a couple people tell me that he was perfect therefore he didn't have to go through the earthly "tests" that we do. I'm really trying to believe that since I will never get an answer as to why this happened... at least not in this lifetime.

I've been reading another mother's blog who lost her son to SIDS. She said something that really got me thinking. She made mention about memories... it's not the memories that we're missing because we don't have any memories of him. We're missing what could/would have been memories with him. We will never experience his first steps, first words, first day of school, proms, wedding, etc. We will never know what he's like when he grows up. We can just dream about those things.

I also recently put a picture of him in the living room. It's helping to know that I can look at him any time I want. It hurts, though, knowing that we will only have the few pictures of him that the hospital took. I'm definitely thanking God that we do have the few that we do though. And the more I look at him, the more I see that he looks a lot like Craig AND I instead of just one or the other. His little nose is definitely Craig's but the red hair is all me!

Oh how I miss him more than anything...