I am really starting to hate the holidays. I just want to be happy and enjoy holidays as a family of 3 instead of a family of (still) 2. And not have to visit our baby at a grave site every holiday but I know that will never go away now. As much as this still feels like a dream sometimes, it's my reality.
I think this Thanksgiving and Christmas is going to be harder than last simply because my Sister-in-Law is pregnant. I'm definitely happy for them but it also really hurts sometimes. I just know my hubby's family is going to be so into her and the baby and completely forget about our feelings... which has sort of happened already. I will be attending my first baby shower this month since Noah was born. I've had the opportunities to go to others but couldn't make myself go. This one is my SIL's so I feel obligated to go. Not only that, but I was roped into helping plan it. So far it's proven to be a little hard but not as hard as I thought. I really wasn't asked if I would be ok doing it, I was more like chosen to help. I know not everyone is aware of how it feels to be in my situation so I forgive her (my MIL) but it doesn't make it any easier to actually do it. I just hope the 18th goes ok and I don't lose it. Thankfully she is having a little girl so in a weird way, that makes it slightly easier.
I just really hope this month brings us a baby and a new job for me. I had another interview yesterday and I feel like it went really well but I've also had 6 others in the last 2 months that didn't pan out. So I'm hoping and praying that this one is it. I'm so ready to get out of here and move on. The job I interviewed for yesterday is very similar to what I'm doing here BUT more fun (and a much better work environment)! I won't know for another week or 2... so here goes the waiting part.
Also whomever may be reading this... please keep my little brother in your thoughts and prayers. He was admitted on Tuesday to ICU. He has Crones Disease and has been having problems with it the last week or so. He's back on steroids (which seems to happen this time of year every year). But on Tuesday he went into epileptic shock from his blood pressure dropping and then they couldn't stabilize him. Yesterday he finally woke up and is getting better but still in ICU. They aren't sure how long he'll be in the hospital yet. He's only 20 and has been battling Crones since he was 15.
I can't even begin to claim that I know what you're going through. I can say this, the pain and hurt stays with the parents, everyone else is able to move past the pain much quicker. I don't think the mom and dad can ever completely move past it though, I know the pain of M's situation is still very fresh so I can only imagine what it's like for you and Craig. Don't be afraid to remind people of how painful this is for you and will continue to be for you. Even after you are blessed with another baby (and you will be), I'm sure the pain from Noah will still be there. You are a strong person and have a strong faith, you will get through this. I will continue to pray for you and Craig, I will pray for your brother. I'm here if you ever need to talk.
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