I'm still here...

I know I haven't updated much lately. I haven't exactly been in the holiday mood or had anything really to blog about.

Two weeks ago, Craig and I went to visit Noah's grave while we were out doing some shopping. We decided this year to buy stuff for toys for tots instead of buying for ourselves so we felt the need to stop by his grave that day too. It was so fun to buy for someone else... but I still wish we were buying for Noah this year. Can't believe he would be 5 months old now. It's amazing how time flies... even when you're not having quite so much fun. Anyway, we stopped by also because I want to take pictures of his grave site with the wreaths that I plan to make him for the rest of my life.

So here is a picture of what it looks like for the holidays this year:

As you can see, there is snow on the ground. That's all we've gotten this year which is no where near what we usually have.

My mom wanted to put a candy cane light on his but realized that there was already a light there. She thought I did it and I thought she did it. However, neither one of us did and neither did my in-laws so we're not sure who has visited and put a light on it. I told my husband that I don't care that they put something on there, I just want to know who comes to visit him. It's nice to know he is loved and missed by someone other than us (his parents) even though no one else got to know him more than I did. (I typed this update up before Christmas but learned yesterday who it was the put the light on his gravesite. It was Allan, my stepdad once removed lol. My mom has been remarried 3 times now, and it's husband #2 that did this. He is such an awesome guy! He has been in my life since I was about 5 years old and is my one brother's dad, so he'll always be a part of my life.)

Also while we were there, my husband says to me "Someone is watching us". I was like "What? Who the heck is watching us". He told me to look up into the woods (Noah is about 15 feet away from the woods, right where he belongs as his daddy says). Just above his grave was a momma deer watching us. She stood up when I saw her and I was able to get her picture. My father-in-law told me the other day that she was there when he visited the week before. And then this past Monday night as we drove by the grave site, we saw her again. I just got this little sigh of relief that another "momma" was also "watching" over him.

Oh how I miss my little man! The holidays just won't be the same this year. I also didn't sent out any cards this year (sorry to those of you reading that I would have sent to!) I just couldn't get into it and just decided not to this year. I also wasn't sure how to sign our cards. Noah is forever in our hearts and part of our family but no necessarily to others. My husband said we should include him on them but I still don't know. It's a very weird situation and I SOOOOO wish I wasn't in it. I think in the future though, when we have other children, we will be including his name on the cards and such but I'm still undecided on that too. It's such a hard decision and I don't want to make others feel uncomfortable when getting our cards but at the same time... he IS our son and always will be!

So like I said above... I actually typed the above before Christmas with the intentions of posting it last week. I never got there as you can see.

So as of today, I can say that we survived our first Christmas without Noah. It wasn't an easy one but we did it. I have been so busy the last couple weeks that I haven't had time to shed a tear (which I guess can be comforting to me as well) but let me tell you, I shed quite a few yesterday. It just didn't seem right that he wasn't here... we dreamed of celebrating his first Christmas for over a year and we didn't get that chance.

We also decided to start another tradition that I really wish we didn't have to start... we're planning to visit his gravesite every single Christmas in between meals. We usually spend lunchtime with Craig's family and then on to my family for dinner. We have to pretty much go passed the cemetary to get to my mom's so it will become a routine stop on the holidays now.

So yesterday we stopped by to "see" him. I can't tell you how much I did not like doing that. I really, really HATE that that's how I have to "see" my son on Christmas day. It's just not right!

I also wanted to post a picture (especially for Katy, whom I know reads this). It's our awesome Christmas ornament that she sent us... it's on our tree, Katy! Thanks again for such a treasured gift!